The Heaviest Emotion

When I was at university, I would hear well-intentioned, married staff members talk about how singleness is a gift. But at the same time, you could hear a tinge of ‘poor you’ in their voices as they empathically looked at us, hoping that we would not remain this way for much longer. I was not impressed. “Sure,” I thought, “maybe singleness is a gift. But if this is true, then loneliness must be a gift as well.”

At around this time I concluded that I was satisfied with the single life … 360 days a year. Except for days like February 14, December 31, December 24 and one’s birthday, I was alright with my marital status.

This is not a blog to solve the problems of single men and women, because we have no problems. We just need encouragement, someone to change the subject now and then and a helping hand because loneliness is the heaviest emotion. And at one point or another, everyone needs to carry it.

What are we w.a.i.t.ing for?

Recently, children have begun the pains-taking wait for Santa, opening the doors of their advent calendars one agonizing day after another. Adults may be waiting for that elusive job they have been hoping for. Personally, I am anticipating renovations to my apartment after a kitchen fire. Others might be waiting to be asked by that special someone, and my sister waited just a little bit longer than she intended to give birth to her second child. But what does waiting mean, and what does it involve? Besides the dictionary’s definition “to remain inactive or in a state of repose,” which we usually do not like, I have a few ideas of how to do it.

Watching – Though it is normal to become lackadaisical when we are left in suspense for a long time, keeping our eyes open is essential if we are to see what we have been waiting for. You never know when you might just see it.

Active – Being active is different than being anxious. Just as we might be waiting with frustration for the NHL strike to end, we do not need to be anxious about what we do not have. Instead, I want to be anticipatory of seeing my Canucks win the Stanley Cup. Who knows how long I will have to wait for that!

Initiate – As a fan of the NHL, though I cannot ask Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr to kiss and make up, I can initiate an act that might effect how my appreciation of the game will continue when the strike finally ends. So, let’s ‘intercede’!

Thoughtful – But however active or tolerant we are as we wait for a response, may we do it thoughtfully and with tact. Then, maybe our state of repose won‘t last so long and our waiting may end well.

Monk-eying Around

Recently, I visited Westminster Abby in Mission and spent a week trying to live the life of a monk, reading and attempting to follow St. Benedict’s order. The brothers’ objective is to understand God better by disciplining themselves, focusing their eyes on Him and away from distractions that might capture their attention. If you have read the children’s book “You are Special” by Max Lucado, the character Lucia is very much like a modern-day nun.

Like what criticisms and blessings do to our spirits, the Wemmicks of Lucado’s story gave each other dots and stars depending upon what they were able or unable to do. Though Lucado’s clumsy main character, Punchinello, is damaged greatly by his dots, he later learns a great deal from Lucia, a Wemmick who is not impacted by the stickers she gets. Her reason for this is that she regularly visits Eli, who created the Wemmick race from his workshop overlooking their village. She encourages Punchinello to do the same and everything begins to change for him.

As I practiced being a monk, I learned that Lucia’s quality of humility seems to be Benedict’s highest priority. As he writes in chapter 7 of his rule, “Without a doubt, we understand . . . that we descend by pride and ascend by humility.” Together with the monks of Westminster Abby, Lucia ascended by humility and encouraged her friend to do the same.

My Proverbs 31 Woman

Earlier this month, a friend of mine posted a list on my pastor’s Facebook page. It wasn’t just any list: shopping, school supplies needed or invitees to a party. No, instead of changing one’s day, this list could, in fact, change ones life. This was because she was not looking for something she could buy; she was looking for someone she could love.

In response to my friends’ predicament, her pastor, who happens to be mine as well, responded: “Make me a list, and I’ll find you your man.’” My friend “laughed it off, partly out of embarrassment, and partly because, well frankly, I gave up on my list about fifteen years ago.”

Though I had sometimes thought about making such a list, instead of giving it the time of day that it needed, I would usually think about it as I tried to reach dreamland late at night. It wasn’t until after I read Kirsty’s list that I took it seriously. So, right after lunch one Saturday afternoon, I sat down at my computer and thought about the attributes my Proverbs 31 woman should have.

1) She must love Jesus. She must challenge me in my relationship with Him and be willing to be challenged in hers.
2) She must be a pray-er. Both of us want to grow closer to each other, but if we both grow closer to God, a closer relationship between us will soon follow.

3) She must think I’m the coolest person she’s ever met and not feel bashful about it.
4) She needs to be someone who doesn’t need me, but wants me more than anything.
5) She doesn’t need to be a sports fan, but she needs to humour my interest.
6) She needs to laugh at my attempt at being funny and be my reason to smile.

7) She must be able to care for herself on her own so we can care for each other together.

8) On that note, she needs to want to be cared for, and be patient with me as I learn how.
9) She could be a giver (generous) but she needs to be a forgiver.
10) She enjoys physical contact. Not aggression, just good, long hugs, holding hands etc.
11) She needs to be open with herself i.e. be willing to give what she sees I need and be willing to receive the things I have to give.

12) She must not be a controller. Instead, she must be willing to give and take.
13) She must put my needs and the needs of our family first and help me to do the same.
14) We need to accept and slowly enjoy the differences between our families. Then we would look forward to visiting the in-laws rather than simply tolerating them.
15) Though my creative side comes out when I get excited about someone, she needs to be the creative queen. This is because . . .

16) Though monetary gifts are nice, I prefer gifts that have a lot of thought put into them.

17) She needs to enjoy music and my attempts to play it. If she can play an instrument, that’s even better!

18) Her dwelling must be clean enough to be healthy and cluttered enough to be homey, and help me to do the same.

19) She must be ambitious and passionate. This means that she has dreams and pushes the envelope to make them happen.
20) She will be a “yes, let’s try it!” kind of woman. She may show anxiety about new things, but is willing to try them anyway.
21) She has to be able to challenge me, and gently tell me when I’m wrong.
22) Though I might say this word more often, when she messes up, she has to be able to say “Sorry” and mean it.
23) She has to be good tempered, have an even keel and teach me how to react when things are not.
24) Though I may have a few ideas, I need her to show me how I can be her best man.
25) She has to know everything about and accept my past, loving me not in spite of my weaknesses, but because of them.
26) She has to be able to say “No,” even when she doesn’t want to, because she has my best interest at heart.

27) She needs to be patient, because these things need to be learned slowly.

A list like this might look kind of odd on a blog which is supposed to be about enhancing one’s relationship with God. But over the years, though they are not exact, I have learned that the desires we have in a mate are similar to the desires we have for God.

• What are your expectations in a mate?
• How can God meet these expectations?

From Zero to Hero

Several years ago, I was introduced to one of the simplest of silent prayers I have ever heard. When we breathe in, we were encouraged to pray “Father” and on the exhale to say, “I belong to You.” The teacher (Brennan Manning) said that seven is the ideal number of syllables in one breathing cycle. Therefore, if we decide to pray this way, we can “pray continually.” (1 Thes. 5:17)

If she was not praying this prayer, I imagine the Syro-Phoenician woman (Mark 7:24-30) was praying something very similar. She may have been praying “in You, I have all things” or “my soul rests in You alone” (Psalm 62:1) as her actions showed a sense of desperation. It was with that kind of drive that this Zero-Phoenician woman recognized that though she had nothing in herself, what she needed was available to her if she only asked for it.

However, moments after she asked, Christ criticised her harshly, calling her, a gentile who was plainly inferior to the Jews, a dog (v27). Instead of being overwhelmed with sorrow or surprise, she knew that behind this criticism was a loving and healing touch, and she was humble enough to receive the criticism so she could get what she believed would soon follow.

Therefore, in spite of Christ’s comments, she played His game and responded boldly, “even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.” (v28) Her attempts to clamber for Christ’s attention clearly show how desperate she was to receive anything that might come from Him, even the crumbs.

When I was a child at camp, I remember trying to Limbo underneath a stick without touching it. All this time, my friends, who patiently awaited their turns chanted ‘How low can you go?’ This woman had gone lower than anyone expected and Christ therefore rewarded her by granting her request. It was with her persistence, humility and quick wit that this Zero-Phoenician came trembling, and left rejoicing because her status had been permanently changed.

• When was the last time you prayed like this?

• What difference would it make to you if your status permanently changed?

A Different kind of White Cane

John 9 is known for a miracle Jesus performs when He heals a man born blind. It proves again that He truly is God incarnate. This passage is also an ideal example of spiritual direction. Here, Christ is the director, the disciples are the directees, and the blind man is not Christ’s focus here, but rather someone He simply uses to teach his disciples a lesson.

The spiritual direction portion of John 9 is in verses 1-5.

¹As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ² His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

³ “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. ⁵ While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

When they saw the man on the side of the road, the disciples quickly decided that they knew what the blind man’s problem was. Many people who come for spiritual direction believe that they know what the problem is. If they only help the director diagnose it, the problem should be solved.

The dah-ciples are like this. Though they think they know the problem, they don’t. They are students after all. Instead of ridiculing the blind man or his parents for their sins, Christ turns the tables and tells his students, “Stop pointing fingers! Nobody did anything wrong! This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” (Verse 3)

As He often is with his students, Jesus was probably more then a little bit disappointed with their “lack of faith.” They were not doing their job. Instead of asking petty questions like these, their job was to carry out the tasks assigned to them by the one who sent their Teacher into this world. In the next verse, Jesus says, the night is coming when work ceases. While, I am here, I am the light you should live by.  In other words, “Stop dilly-dallying, do this work quickly, and start now, because I won’t be here for long!”

As a spiritual director, Jesus might say, ‘before our next session, I would encourage you to start doing the work of God as you .have seen me do it.” And they returned for their next session, rejoicing because “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.” (Luke 10:17)

In John 9:39-40 Jesus said, "I have come into this world so that the blind will see and those who [think they can] see will become blind." Some Pharisees heard him say this and asked, "What? Are we blind too?" The Pharisees and the disciples had the same problem. They were both spiritually blind. Once directees learn that they are “blind too” Jesus’ shows directors how to walk with them in their desire to understand more about Him.

Here, Jesus takes the initiative and finds the man, who has just received his sight, and asks him, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” (9:35) He had probably heard the crowds talk about Jesus before, but had not yet seen Him. “Who is he, sir? I want to believe in him.”

“I am him,” Jesus said.

“Yes, Lord, I believe!” And he worshiped Jesus.

Like many people, this man had a “seeing is believing” type of faith, but it had taken forty years for him to truly exercise it.

A spiritual director’s response to the question of “why” needs to be something like Christ’s, focused beyond the immediate situation. Maybe God wanted to teach the man a lesson. As many teachers in Jesus day thought, maybe God was paying the man back for some unbeknownst sin. Or, as Jesus said, maybe it was what God intended. If your challenge is something God desires, not to pay you back, but to make you more like Him, how would that make you feel?

The Goodness of Gossip

Gossiping is natural. Just as a baby learns to talk by babbling, the building blocks of thoughtful and trustworthy discussions between adults are installed when we are children. At this pliable age, we have an unquenchable search for knowledge so we can tell others about our own, and others’ discoveries.

According to Dr Annie Crookes, head of Psychology at Heriot-Watt University’s Dubai Campus, there is a lot of goodness in gossip. For instance, “the act of gossiping may be similar to that of ‘grooming’ seen in primate species in that it consolidates group cohesion, facilitates networking and manages reputations.”

We all know that conversations which start with, ‘I don’t like to spread rumours but…’ or ‘you didn’t get this from me but…’ can create something that grows and could become hurtful. However, if we stopped gossiping to each other, even to ourselves because it creates anxiety, and started gossiping to and about God, the good that could result is simply awesome.

In Matthew 6:3, Jesus says: “do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,” Though He was talking about giving to the needy; this piece of advice could easily be applied to gossiping. When I tell my right hand something my left hand doesn’t know, this knowledge needs to travel through my heart first before it gets to the other hand. When I was a child, I believed that God lived in my heart. Therefore, one hand can know and the One who lives in the heart can know, but no one else. If both hands know, then action can be taken that could be damaging.

Over the years, we learn that gossip can and does hurt more often than it heals. However, I have learned that the best type of gossip is Gossiping God. Weather we talk about the negative or the positive acts that God is or has done in our lives, gossiping about Him is the best type of tattle tailing we can do. To learn more about gossiping God, feel free to contact me.

I promise, I won’t tell anybody.